One evening after work, I sit down at my computer to take a look at all my favorite NSFW Japanese websites. I see pictures of a captivating green-haired figure, one that I’ve never seen before. I look for more pictures. I like what I see. Lust builds. A decision is made. And then …
COMMON SENSE: Hold it right there.
ME: It’s you!
CS: Just what do you think you’re doing?
ME: Erm, writing an e-mail?
CS: I knew it! The last time we talked you were buying some half-naked anime figure and now you’re doing it again!
ME: You don’t have to make it sound like that’s a crime.
CS: Weren’t you listening to me the last time you did this?
ME: I was. And you were all wrong! Exelica got here fine, I didn’t have any problems with the seller, and she was brand new in the box. What were you talking about when you mentioned the revolting things people do with their figures anyway?
CS: Two words: condensed milk.
ME: … Alright, let’s talk about something else. So, what’s up? What’s your beef this time?
CS: You’re buying another figure. How many figures do you have now? How much money have you spent on them?
ME: I’m not sure that I can count that high. I’m not sure that I want to count that high.
CS: This figure’s from a Nintendo game. You don’t even like Nintendo. You hate them, in fact.
ME: Well, I’ve sort of mellowed out in my old age. And she’s from an Atlus game, I think.
CS: It’s all the same. What’s the last Nintendo game you bought?
ME: Super Mario Brothers 3? No, wait, my aunt bought that for my birthday. Maybe Zelda II?
CS: Right. So why are you buying a figure of a character from a Nintendo game?
ME: Well, she looks really cute. Plus her face comes off. Face… off. Face…
CS: Don’t even start with that. What’s with her hair?
ME: Her hair? It’s green. I don’t know why it’s green.
CS: No, I mean, look at the paint on her hair. Why is it all shiny like that? It looks like those model airplanes we painted back when we were a dumb little kid.
ME: Well, yeah, that could be better. I think she’s supposed to be some kind of robot, so –
CS: What’s she supposed to be doing? Is she a ballet dancer or something?
ME: I don’t know. Maybe she’s getting ready to kick a football. You know, like Lucy and Charlie Brown. Or maybe she’s doing it just to look cool. You have to admit that she looks cool.
CS: I have to admit no such thing. You don’t like Nintendo. That is, we don’t like Nintendo. You think she looks cute, alright. That seems like a pretty weak reason to shell out this much money on a chunk of plastic.
ME: It’s kind of like what Obama’s doing. Like, you know, this is a time for reconciliation, right? I figure this is the first step towards that. A detente, if you will.
CS: You laughed your ass off the last time you watched someone playing a Wii. You swore on the performance of your gonads that you’d never, ever play one.
ME: It’s only a first step.
CS: Look, you don’t even have space for this. This isn’t something you need. It’s not going to make you healthier or more secure for the future. Just let it go; I know you want this but it’ll pass and you’ll forget about it and you’ll be better off for it.
ME: You know, I’m wondering when you’ve ever given me good advice.
CS: You’ve got to be kidding, I’m your common sense!
ME: I’m thinking that I am going to not listen to you.
CS: Wait! You can’t do this!
ME: Ha! And just what are you going to do to stop me?!